Written by the runner up of our Mental Health Month 2018 competition, Ella K.
Angry at the world, screaming internally about the horrors that happened beyond my control. My power stripped, yet I still claw and crawl through it like a deranged beast, stubbornly fighting for life. The darkness has enticed me more than once with its promise of silence and peace, only to find a void and a cascade of drama upon return. There is no peace here, just noise and anger… and sadness. Grief for the life I didn’t get to live; for the childhood I never got to have, and the adulthood I never wanted to experience. Yet I fight, and scream, and struggle through, looking for guidance and receiving deception. Trust has no place here, it has long since left me and I no longer know how to identify it. I think I see it sometimes, even hope it has come back to me, only to find I’m wrong, and the outcome of this mistake leaves me battered and torn. When it has genuinely visited me, I’ve been quick to push it away for fear of the same hurt, only to see it was the real thing as it disappeared into the distance… and my heart breaks.
The journey is long and full of falls and heartache, yet I find a way to ease the anger and the screaming. I realise I deserve to be happy and that I can remove myself from the universe of pain and trauma certain individuals create around me. For the first time I realise I don’t need them, I need me. I need to do what makes me happy and live my truest life. I need to honour my past achievements – I am here, I am alive, I have created a life around me – and I need to work towards happiness. I’m not sure what that really looks like, I’ve never really known it. How am I suppose to feel, to behave, to exist, what is happiness?
With each new year I find a new speck in the cosmos that comes together to fill the gaps. I shake with fear as I journey through new emotions, stumbling back into anger and screaming from time to time, unsure if I will ever find a time when I don’t revert back to this. I’m learning that trust is a two way street, and while the risk is high that this might be deception in disguise, I need to believe that trusting is the right action and I am not wrong for trusting, they are wrong for not being trustworthy. I’m also learning to trust myself, my judgement, my feelings, my morals and ethics and not be swayed by those who try to convince me otherwise. I find this hard after years of conditional abuse, years of being degraded and belittled, of having my self-worth devalued beyond the scope of reason and respect. I stand strong in the face of the internal storm, my stubbornness keeping me going, determined to overcome the obstacles ahead of me.
I still don’t trust anyone enough to cry in front of them, and those who may have witnessed it are so few, and it has been so infrequent, that they could be mistaken in believing it had all been a very weird dream. Crying is a vulnerability I do not share willingly and I am angered when I’m pushed to such an emotional disarray that I cry, unable to stop the flow of emotions. I’m angry with myself for allowing someone to treat me so poorly that I fall into old habits, lowering myself to satiate their need to dominate, empowering their small mindedness, and showing my vulnerability. Experience has taught me that this vulnerability is the easiest to manipulate and an open door to escalated abuse. I dream of a time when there is one person I trust to embrace, to cry upon their shoulder, and know they genuinely care and want the best for me. That this vulnerability I show through my toughened exterior is a plea to be embraced and comforted, and not a weakness to be eradicated.
I am a work in progress. I push myself to learn new ways of moving forward, new ways to embrace the pain and accept that it too can change with time to be a friend that walks beside me, rather than an enemy I face head on. I push myself to love, even when it is out of reach, because one day that love may be returned and I will be emotionally available. I push myself to accept my quirks, faults, failings, and imperfections as awesome pieces of a whole that make me unique and amazing, not broken and weird. Ok, I am quite weird, however I am not broken. I push myself to believe that I am worthy, I have skills and attributes through which I shine, and my love for all humanity gives me a gentleness and capacity for empathy society lacks so often, not a bleeding heart that needs to be silenced. I am learning to understand my strong emotions – why do I feel them?; what caused them?; how can I make my life better?; how can I avoid this situation in the future?
I dream of the future now and see possibilities of happiness and love. I dream of a time when I truly trust in myself and in another special someone. I have hope where there was once sullen despair and anger is an old friend who only visits rarely now. I think I might understand what I’m aiming for now and while I still fear the journey, I’m less shaky as I travel through the new world opening up in front of me.
